Successful negotiation is getting your counterpart to do the work for you and suggesting the solution himself.
Remove the hostility in your statement by turning it into an open ended question: “You can’t leave” vs “What do you hope to achieve by going?”
Asking Questions Without Triggering Reciprocity
Asking direct and non-open ended questions puts you in debt. It triggers the reciprocity dynamic (“We answered you, but you’re not giving us the information I want?”). But a well designed open ended question does not trigger it. We don’t directly ask for it, so they essentially volunteered the information.
In kidnapping, don’t ask “What is the kidnapped person’s first car?” Just ask “How do I know she’s OK?”
An open ended question forces the other side to think. They essentially become a problem solver. Nothing is owed to him.
Your job is not to get the other side to your point of view. It is to remove their natural barrier to resist. Things often follow from that.
Disagree without being disagreeable.
In a store, don’t tell the clerk what you need. Describe broadly what you want and let them offer suggestions. When he suggests what you do want, don’t say a price. Just say it’s more than you budgeted for and ask for their help. In some manner, ask “How am I supposed to do that?” The tone is important.
Calibrate Your Questions
When stuck, summarize the situation and say “How am I supposed to do that?”
In general, don’t tell them what the problem is. Educate via calibrated questions. [1]
Avoid verbs like “can”, “is”, “are”, “do”, “does”. These usually are close ended that can be answered with a “yes” or a “no”. Start with the reporter’s questions: What, who, when, where and how. Why is used strategically.
Mostly, just start with “what” and “how”, and occasionally throw in a “why”. The other three often get the other party to share a fact without thinking. And “why” is often deemed to be hostile or accusatory.
Use “why” only when the defensiveness that is created supports your change: “Why should you change your process to ours?”
Try to convert every question to “what” and “how”. It’s possible! Even a lot of “why” questions can be converted.
Use calibrated questions early and often. “What is the biggest challenge you face?” is a common good one. They then start talking about themselves. Others:
- What about this is important to you?
- How can I help to make this better for us?
- How would you like me to proceed?
- What is it that brought us into this situation?
- How can we solve this problem?
- What is the goal? What are we trying to accomplish here?
- How am I supposed to do that?
These types of questions signal that you want what the other person wants (or are willing to consider it), but need their expertise in getting there. The more aggressive or egotistical the other side, the more effective it is.
It triggers them to start working towards solving a problem. You can make it your problem because you get to pick the questions.
How Not To Get Paid
Your tone/manner is critical. You need self control and emotional regulation. You can’t react to the other side’s provocations. You must maintain composure. When losing it, just pause and be quiet. When verbally assaulted, do not counterattack. Instead, disarm with a calibrated question.
| [1] | However, be aware that this can backfire unless they strongly feel you are being sincere with your questions. All communications books say to avoid leading questions. Probably not a good tactic for long term relationships. |