Explore Others’ Path

Posted by Beetle B. on Sat 23 December 2017

Sometimes the problem is that the other person is resorting to silence/violence. What then? One option is to simply make it the other’s responsibility to get their concerns across. The ideal, though, is to restore safety.

Explore Others’ Paths

Previous safety skills:

  • If you did something wrong, apologize.
  • If there was a misunderstanding of intent, use contrasting.
  • If at odds, find a mutual purpose.

Another skill to use: Explore others’ paths. You need to let others know it is safe to share their facts, stories and feelings.

Start With Heart - Get Ready To Listen

Be sincere: You have to really want to hear it. If you ask “Is everything OK?”, ensure it is not out of a social norm or responsibility.

Show curiosity: When the other person is acting poorly (shouting, etc) is the time this is most needed, but is also the most challenging time to show it (instead of acting out the impulse to react). In these situations, actively look for any opportunity to show curiosity and ask questions.

Stay curious: Now that you’ll hear their (likely unpleasant) stories, you run the risk of falling into Victim/Villain/Helpless stories. It’ll be easy to assign ill motives to the other. To counteract, stay curious! Ask “Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person say this?”

Be patient: The other may have adrenaline. We can change our thoughts rapidly, but emotion changes take longer. Give them some time for their emotions to catch up to the safety.

Encourage Others To Retrace Their Path

Once they’ve safely told their stories, you need to help them retrace their path!

The typical path is:

  1. See and hear (facts)
  2. Tell a story
  3. Feelings
  4. Act out the feelings

They are now at the “Act” stage. They need to be nudged to an earlier stage. When we encountered their silence or violence, we are seeing it at a late stage. Safely guide them to retrace their path from facts onwards.

Inquiry Skills

A recap: Intervene when observing silence or violence. Signal sincerity. Finally, convince then you are listening. The next few sections discuss listening skills.

AMPP: Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, or Prime

Ask To Get Things Rolling

Sometimes straightforward asking works:

  • I’d like to hear your concerns”
  • What’s going on?”
  • I’d really like to hear your opinion on this.”
  • Please let me know if you see it differently.”
  • Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I really want to hear your thoughts.”

Mirror to Confirm Feelings

If asking doesn’t work, use mirroring. It is most useful when the other person’s posture/tone doesn’t match their words. Examples are “Yes, I’m fine” when they clearly do not appear to be. Respond with “From the way you are saying it, it doesn’t look like you are.” Your tone is the key. It has to signal that you’re OK with them feeling the way they feel. The mirroring should be done calmly.

Examples:

  • You say you’re OK, but by the tone of your voice, you seem upset.”
  • You seem angry to me.”
  • You look nervous confronting him. Are you sure you are willing to do it?”

Paraphrase To Acknowledge The Story

Next, paraphrase back. Again, the key is to be calm and collected. To assist with this: “Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person act that way?”

Don’t push too hard. If they still aren’t talking, you may want to back off. Don’t overly persist on safety - they will feel pressured. When retreating, either exit gracefully or ask what they want to see happen.

Prime When You’re Getting Nowhere

Use this only when all else fails. If no one is talking, but it’s clear they are unhappy, state out loud a guess as to why they might be unhappy. This is similar to mislabeling.

But What If They’re Wrong?

Always keep in mind: Your goal is not to agree with them, It is to understand their perspective, and to signal your understanding.

Remember Your ABCs (Agree, Build, Compare)

Once the other person is talking, now what? If you don’t agree, what should you do?

Agree

In most arguments, there is 90% agreement, and the differences are 10%. Realize that there is agreement (often on the bigger picture). Don’t assume that the 10% is everything.

Build

If the other person left something out, say “I agree. In addition, I noticed that …” Point out the agreements, and then add what was left out. Don’t make the whole conversation be about what was left out.

Compare

If you do disagree, state it as a difference instead of right/wrong. “I think I see things differently. Let me describe how.” Then share your path (facts, stories, feelings, actions) using STATE skills (All of them! Being tentative, asking for their view, etc). Then invite the other to compare with his experience.